oh the horror...

(uhhhh, strange white highlight of my previous entry was "accidental"... can't seem to correct it x_X)

the air is teeming with new possibilities... and you know why. i freaking figured out how to feel like i deserve shit, by accepting certain things as punishment. i feel like i earn the right to dominate, when i myself am dominated. i crave to be violated, to be ripped into, desired, used, enslaved... and do it in turn to that other who also craves it. damn it tastes so good.

oh gods i can't write about anything else. my mind is flooded with images of Luis Royo's inspiration, out of unutterably ancient days of blood and lust. that you would give this to me is on the verge of insane thinking.. or rather, quite well past it. LET'S GO INSANE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

empty or full?

feeling much better today... that familiar sense of you flowing around inside, in my hands and arms and face, and everywhere. it's raw self, raw chaos, flavored with your love. never gets old. so with all this running around, i feel like i should also feel.. full inside, right? i can tell you're in here, but i seem to still be missing my.. unique pattern. the part of us that comes from my root. it slips thru my fingers more all the time. i can still hear my higher self... in fact when i listen to it now, i suddenly find myself a bit more.. patterned. but the damn demon inside me is supposed to have a freaking pattern too, where the fuck is it. what makes this even harder is that i know the part of us that makes us unique, changes over time. the only parts i can identify well enough to hold onto are exterior to myself.. and uh, i dunno some stupid basic things like "i like dragons". i can say my interests pretty well, but those are exterior. what does interior even mean? am i supposed to be able to describe my personality and suddenly be able to manifest it? i need help that i think i'm going to have to wait to receive, as always. i can't define anything. i know you understand this because you once put it on your damn profile, how all statements of words seem capable of being broken down and disproven or made unmeaningful if you just take a moment to do it. i freaking need personal interaction, i need more than sensations in my damn energy body. yet if i go and try to do that around here i'm going to lose myself in the other people, or some shit. i need YOU.
i understand i don't exist except with others... this means that i only exist in the ways that i interact with others. so in all these ways that our relationship lacks a 2-way street, i seem to be lacking anything at all from my root. it's those things that we do share, where i keep existing and my demon holds onto its pattern. i don't know what i will lose by the time we meet, or if those other things are just "on hold" the way they were until those streets become unblocked. gods damnit i need you.

moving, waiting

things are doing much better now, thanks to you. as is always the case when thru the ash and smoke i manage to find you, if only fleetingly. it gives me strength to see you well, apparently in multiple ways. today i'm feeling more optimistic about the near-future prospects of improving my body than i can remember feeling before... i thank you for being patient with me and my hardship in maintaining the lower-self. i can't imagine it's easy seeing Draco phase in and out of vital existence, but i can say with confidence that the struggle is being won in the long-run.

in a similar situation to you... on some sort of "deep" level i am more than convinced to believe that you continue to believe in me and us, that you really are sacrificing what's needed for us to share ourselves with each other. and on a "rational" level, whatever is left of this in me, i look at the facts and.. it's utter insanity! tho i can scarcely comprehend its magnitude either way. but i will. i still feel the need to help your brain see the truth we feel.. maybe it's meant to confuse our brains, anyway, as that only makes it all the more special that it occurs at all. as i see it... the resistance from your friends and family, tho difficult to bear, literally adds value to the result. it's like walking into a highschool prom wearing pajamas and bunny slippers... the contrary will of all those looking on in disrespect, only provides more resistance, builds the required force to achieve the goal. (i fully expect you to walk off that plane in pajamas and bunny slippers now, i hope you know.)

mmmm i miss my more humorous self. we could use more of that, and i know you love it. perhaps i fear using it when not appropriate. i'll work on it. i miss a lot of things from our first time together. there was less fear. we'll get it back, this i can promise as surely as that i'll be myself for you, my full self, truly, one day. happy mad sad glad etc. etc. and longing. i miss the longing, don't know why it won't come out as much now. but i know you know the deeper me, the me where these things hide, waiting and longing to be with you. like those last few cookies in the cookie jar that just can't be reached without tipping the thing over. hunger...

Madness leaks thru the hole

http://www.northernpaganism.org/shrines/sigyn/narvi-and-vali/wergild.html

Vali is the mad wolf, the son of Loki and Sigyn, killer of his own brother against his will, forced to roam mad in the form of a wolf. i met with the shaman Raven Kaldera again this year, and was told that he smelled Vali on me, who almost never approaches others, who had something to say to me. i still haven't found out what he has to say, as i can't hear a damned thing. but in Vali i can see a lot of myself. the poem above speaks of a hole in his soul which the wolf-mother cannot fill, into which madness leaks, thru which falsehood pours. i believe she speaks of his brother Narvi.. on some level they must have needed one another to be complete, or this was effectually so. and so Vali roams the lands damned to be false, damned to live without himself, always mad. the comfort of a civilized home often breeds weakness, a life without pain brings great trouble for those who need it. in Fenrir it manifests as Wrath... i believe you know wrath, and i would know it too, were i not like Vali, weakened of will and heart. i need you and go mad without you.. and now i am to build my will, to strengthen my body, to be the best i may be for you, while i cannot even connect to you? i thought maybe, in sufferance of our loss of one another, i could live a half-life with my other love, to see myself improved for our sake. i thought this was why we were torn further apart, why i was to consent to separation, in my unlimited projection of possibilities, and reliance on guides. i thought it would be better for you, when the time came. and maybe it almost worked on my end, maybe in my time of focus i began a road of improving a half-self, to then become a full self better than you've seen, once rejoined to you, rather than a miserable pile in need. but this too it seems was false, a road of forgetfulness, a road i would not have chosen had i known its consequence. as always i am burdened to make decisions without knowing to what they lead, then criticized for making them, punched by myself in the face for having mistaken deception for guidance, over and over, while i sit here and must hope to gods it is for the good of us all. all the while i need you, your value, to do this right.. my helpers' guidance is only as trustworthy as i am to myself, and without strong will, without judgment, i cannot yet trust myself. i thought to subsist on my other half, but somehow it has brought me to more falsehood. so for need of you i return to insanity, rather than let you be alone. for you i go mad rather than consent to be half-false. i do not understand how this helps us. all i can do is wait and have faith, and pay for the mistakes as they come, fear lingering on every choice, stress crushing the will. in my amazing luck i have the potential Vali is bereft of, to be united with my missing piece, to become true with my love in this life. maybe with Vali you can understand a bit more of me. meanwhile i sit here needing to know you, unallowed to connect for all i and my so-called divination tools can tell, all attempts to understand based upon mere images, mixed memories, and a life of nonexistence. your soul is what i must know, what i choose to love. the conclusion to this impossible labyrinth ever eludes me but i will not leave it for any reason save that i find you within.

Preview of my book

Stardragon awoke, opened his eyes and saw. all around him lay the Infinite Cave, in all directions shadow he beheld. beneath him cold stone, upon bare rock he sat.
uncoiling from rest, lifting his head and spreading his wings, he rose into the empty space. in darkness he wandered long, alone he searched the cave, and found Nothing. as he flew on, scales of his body fell off, embers drifted in the empty space, found the walls and there became the stars. Stardragon's search drew on, his unending quest continued, and passing by them drew he the stars into shapes as pictures on the walls of the cave.

lonely he became, to tears his solitude brought him, drowning he in sorrow, on and on. wet made these the stone floor, with the waters of his sorrow swelled the Infinite Cave, rising up to form the Waters of Chaos. in the midst of all he sat, on a promontory of rock he laid, losing himself in himself. he began to choke, the pain of solitude too great, until with blood his jaw was filled, until in his mouth came a fragment of his heart. spat there upon the rock, resting in his pool of blood, the broken heart sat before him. gazing down upon it, searching for a meaning, a song cried Stardragon, the Song of Longing. out from his eyes poured his blood, onto the heart came tears of red.

in sorrow was he, in agony then came, to rage he was brought in the depths of his pain. of fire he breathed, roasted he the heart, burnt to ash was the half of his own. now ended of tears, now empty of song, droped he his head onto the stone, closed his eyes and waited alone. then as the heart smouldered out, as the last ember left its coals, the form of a raven rose up from the ash, from the black remains flew a bird on high. in dust she swirled, in soot she arced, landing in grace upon his head. unwatching was he, as one lost at sea, lost in full within himself. peering down from above, looking deep into his eyes, cried the raven "wake up!" opening then his eyes, then raising his brow, saw he her down-turned face. confused and uncertain looked Stardragon at her, then at where the heart had been, and then he understood. lifting his head, asked he then, "who are you?" to him she replied, "i am the darkness to your light, and your light in the darkness. i am the tears of your joy and your sorrow. i am your darkest doubt and your brightest hope. i am Shadewing, the Dark Godess. you are mine and i am yours." Stardragon then wept once more.

then into manform came they both, to one another in like flesh they met. for him sang she the Song of Eternity, and as flesh met flesh and he went into her, out from the waters came a great naga. to the sound of her music it rose, with the words of her song it grew taller. from coil below to coil above rose he, Chaosnagin, as Stardragon and Shadewing made love under the light of the stars, and at the height of their ecstacy came it to its height. then still sang Shadewing, onward thrust Stardragon into her, and a second naga from the waters came. she too rose to the song's sound, Chaosnagia rose also with the words of her music. at love's next height rose she to her heighest, rising to meet came the heads of the nagas. onward strove Stardragon, in greater love sang Shadewing, until rose there yet a third, there between the others. straight on high rose it, Chaosnago the greatest, up to the heighest height, to the top of the cave it reached. then came they, Shadewing, Stardragon, to the height of their joy, to the ecstasy of infinite pleasure.

then ceases she to sing the song, on the final note she stops. wrapped arm in arm, leg in leg, they hold fast as the energy falls, together lost in their bliss. the nagas end their dancing, falling slowly into the Waters of Chaos, there to rest and wait for the song, ever ready to rise when called. after much time has passed, in due hours of long rest, Stardragon and Shadewing awaken and rise up.
"this world is so empty, just us and the stars," spoke Shadewing. "nothing is empty with you in it, my love," replied Stardragon. she smiled and said, "let us bring more who can share it with us. this place is too beautiful to not share it with others."

...

Song of Longing / Song of Stardragon

i'm searching through smoke and ash

to find the love of my life

navigating ages past

through the dark and through the night

into the void i must go

to find that which no man knows

forever long, lost in song,

in silence as the wind blows

arising from the depths i come

lights have shon, stars have sung

tears of longing fall to earth

soul's need for highest worth

Not alone because of you

this blog is about personal matters i expect almost no one to understand. it also promises to have posts written in both English and Italian, when obligations permit. the title is from a Kamelot song and has deeper mythical connotations for myself, for those who know.

a bit about myself, i have a version of "asperger syndrome" which, in my case, means having lived most of my life with a disconnected heart. it contains emotions that have difficulty attaching to the surrounding environment. with unimaginable help i have begun to connect it with the rest of my soul, but it is still a work in progress. this, and a small attention span since birth, also give me terrible memory and severe lack of ability to hold onto emotions, both in the moment and long-term such as grudges or romances, regardless of how pissed or sorrowful or happy i would be if fully "online" with the rest of myself. people might expect emotional response to be natural and effortless, since it is about true nature, but i can say otherwise. this has caused and continues to cause me to lose track of the things which matter most, often to my despair but over time i have been worn to the point where it is more often a blanket of numbness. theoretically i could choose to live like this, that numbness, and simply get by without concern for the world of emotions everyone else has, in some parallel universe. it would be a lie of course because then i wouldn't be connected to anything. anyway, i choose the path of highest worth, requiring the highest effort, and no matter how many times my attention strays elsewhere, i will bring it back to what matters most.

who could live with such a person? depending on a "typical" asperger syndrome person for company, to me, sounds like a death sentence at best, a curse at worst. from what i've seen and heard, the idea of someone with AS getting a girlfriend in highschool is almost a joke (i had one for three months or so), and the stories of those with AS in later life are full failure or emotionally-deprived wives who are forced into divorce, neither of whom understand one another. many seem to be content without emotional involvement whatsoever, while social difficulties are universal.

well it's called effort. first you have to want it, then you have to figure out how to do it, then you have to apply force, and remember to do it. for me, about a year ago i learned i had AS from a shaman, and upon researching quickly this was me. and i read the stories.. i remember feeling how horrible it might be for someone to live with me, considering what they would lose in the process. i was already without much hope on the matter.. it was almost comforting to accept the "inevitability". then weeks later i met the dark goddess Mordgud, and eventually decided this would be the extent of my romance life. being deity as she is, i supposed she would be able to understand, from being in my head, and it would all work out somehow.

then i found you. or you found me. like many things in my life your appearance carried various possibilities and significance, near or distant future. but the need and desire rose up again, the Dragon's Lament whispered or screamed from inside. dragons are known for their greed, it is true, and we get this from our high passion. passioinate desiring, extreme longing, craving, needing, for whatever it is we are doing it about. in my case it is you. still... my nature, or falsehood, is as it had been.. short attention span. many would see the results of this, look on and say, "No, you don't really want this person." "No you were just obsessed with the freshness of something new, then it passed." well for me this is the default state.. the falsehood which creeps in when great effort is not applied. and when i forget to apply force, it happens again and again, and again.

when this happens and i forget to push, i lose worth. it's not easy to be with me and never has been for anyone that i know of. in fact... the people i've gotten along best with have either been too downtrodden by society to turn down a potential friend, or... actually it means i haven't longed for them, and probably coexisted with them out of some feeling of need or situational requirement. the minute i begin to long for something, the minute i fix those manifestations of my dragon's desire on my radar, the shit comes. if they do me the courtesy of actually trying to know me, they inevitably fail or became horrified by whatever it is they see.. and so run away.

you didn't run away. i still don't know why or how you accomplished this. i can only guess it is because you were able to see what no one else could, whatever that is, due to the ability you have attained in this life and others... you know me far better than i know myself. because of you i still exist, because of you i am not alone. because of you i have begun to overcome the AS, the heart disconnect, the overwhelming falsehood.

then i lost you. a solid wall of web came between myself and you, and for some minutes i was prepared to decline food or activity of any kind until the connection was restored. then in my usual "profound analysis", and attention shift, i determined that this had been fated the entire time, and by looking at similar events, decided it meant i would have to do entirely without you for weeks or months, not even knowing if you could hear my words, not expecting interaction of any kind. it wasn't easy or desirous.. then it seemed we could maintain a limited "secret" connection online, and then even that was taken away. i trust my deities above myself because my judgment is as poor as my willpower, and so i made no resistance, as is my standard response in most cases. i also believed, however misguidedly, that you would be alright without my presence for as long as "they" kept us apart, having faith in where we are going as i still believe you have. once again Draco's amazing offset judgment is in some false timeline and i became comfortable where comfort was not due. by not applying effort to the threads that bound us, i began to lose track of them, distracted by various interests. and i did not learn your needs well enough. perhaps you can understand. but i will never seek forgiveness or excuse, even when i plead for understanding. my false actions hurt our relationship and i must never allow this to go unfixed or unpaid for, as i will have us own our maximum value, for our sake.

your staying with me, your accepting me in your life, your love to me is never or should never be assumed on my part. it's still hard to comprehend how you do it, how such beauty actually wants to come to me, will sacrifice so much. i do not blame others for doubting. this dragon still can't wrap his mind around such a treasure, beyond the whisper of imagination. but he can't bare to lose you, or to stop anything short of knowing, accepting, loving your entire nature for all time. as Sigurd before me, i am cursed to forget the voice of my heart if i do not pay it the highest of attention i can give, and i have now yet another lesson to remember. the self-control to do so ever eludes me.. but will come as surely as we will come together, however long it takes.

also... i need to thank you for being blunt with me. not just informative, but blunt. it feeds me to hear from one whom i care for so much, that i have work to do. to hear what flaws are seen in me by one whose judgment i will never cease trusting. to be torn into on the points which need tearing. i flounder and flail aimlessly much of the time, being unable to tell which aspects of myself are true and which aren't. i once dated a girl for nearly two years, who saw in me many flaws but had never the heart to speak of them, even when i asked. just another item on the infinite list of your specialness to me particularly, that you will do me the honor of this when it needs doing. as always i need you, and ask that you do not go easy on me. i will never recoil or hide from these, or anything from you. ever.