Vali is the mad wolf, the son of Loki and Sigyn, killer of his own brother against his will, forced to roam mad in the form of a wolf. i met with the shaman Raven Kaldera again this year, and was told that he smelled Vali on me, who almost never approaches others, who had something to say to me. i still haven't found out what he has to say, as i can't hear a damned thing. but in Vali i can see a lot of myself. the poem above speaks of a hole in his soul which the wolf-mother cannot fill, into which madness leaks, thru which falsehood pours. i believe she speaks of his brother Narvi.. on some level they must have needed one another to be complete, or this was effectually so. and so Vali roams the lands damned to be false, damned to live without himself, always mad. the comfort of a civilized home often breeds weakness, a life without pain brings great trouble for those who need it. in Fenrir it manifests as Wrath... i believe you know wrath, and i would know it too, were i not like Vali, weakened of will and heart. i need you and go mad without you.. and now i am to build my will, to strengthen my body, to be the best i may be for you, while i cannot even connect to you? i thought maybe, in sufferance of our loss of one another, i could live a half-life with my other love, to see myself improved for our sake. i thought this was why we were torn further apart, why i was to consent to separation, in my unlimited projection of possibilities, and reliance on guides. i thought it would be better for you, when the time came. and maybe it almost worked on my end, maybe in my time of focus i began a road of improving a half-self, to then become a full self better than you've seen, once rejoined to you, rather than a miserable pile in need. but this too it seems was false, a road of forgetfulness, a road i would not have chosen had i known its consequence. as always i am burdened to make decisions without knowing to what they lead, then criticized for making them, punched by myself in the face for having mistaken deception for guidance, over and over, while i sit here and must hope to gods it is for the good of us all. all the while i need you, your value, to do this right.. my helpers' guidance is only as trustworthy as i am to myself, and without strong will, without judgment, i cannot yet trust myself. i thought to subsist on my other half, but somehow it has brought me to more falsehood. so for need of you i return to insanity, rather than let you be alone. for you i go mad rather than consent to be half-false. i do not understand how this helps us. all i can do is wait and have faith, and pay for the mistakes as they come, fear lingering on every choice, stress crushing the will. in my amazing luck i have the potential Vali is bereft of, to be united with my missing piece, to become true with my love in this life. maybe with Vali you can understand a bit more of me. meanwhile i sit here needing to know you, unallowed to connect for all i and my so-called divination tools can tell, all attempts to understand based upon mere images, mixed memories, and a life of nonexistence. your soul is what i must know, what i choose to love. the conclusion to this impossible labyrinth ever eludes me but i will not leave it for any reason save that i find you within.
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