empty or full?

feeling much better today... that familiar sense of you flowing around inside, in my hands and arms and face, and everywhere. it's raw self, raw chaos, flavored with your love. never gets old. so with all this running around, i feel like i should also feel.. full inside, right? i can tell you're in here, but i seem to still be missing my.. unique pattern. the part of us that comes from my root. it slips thru my fingers more all the time. i can still hear my higher self... in fact when i listen to it now, i suddenly find myself a bit more.. patterned. but the damn demon inside me is supposed to have a freaking pattern too, where the fuck is it. what makes this even harder is that i know the part of us that makes us unique, changes over time. the only parts i can identify well enough to hold onto are exterior to myself.. and uh, i dunno some stupid basic things like "i like dragons". i can say my interests pretty well, but those are exterior. what does interior even mean? am i supposed to be able to describe my personality and suddenly be able to manifest it? i need help that i think i'm going to have to wait to receive, as always. i can't define anything. i know you understand this because you once put it on your damn profile, how all statements of words seem capable of being broken down and disproven or made unmeaningful if you just take a moment to do it. i freaking need personal interaction, i need more than sensations in my damn energy body. yet if i go and try to do that around here i'm going to lose myself in the other people, or some shit. i need YOU.
i understand i don't exist except with others... this means that i only exist in the ways that i interact with others. so in all these ways that our relationship lacks a 2-way street, i seem to be lacking anything at all from my root. it's those things that we do share, where i keep existing and my demon holds onto its pattern. i don't know what i will lose by the time we meet, or if those other things are just "on hold" the way they were until those streets become unblocked. gods damnit i need you.