this blog is about personal matters i expect almost no one to understand. it also promises to have posts written in both English and Italian, when obligations permit. the title is from a Kamelot song and has deeper mythical connotations for myself, for those who know.
a bit about myself, i have a version of "asperger syndrome" which, in my case, means having lived most of my life with a disconnected heart. it contains emotions that have difficulty attaching to the surrounding environment. with unimaginable help i have begun to connect it with the rest of my soul, but it is still a work in progress. this, and a small attention span since birth, also give me terrible memory and severe lack of ability to hold onto emotions, both in the moment and long-term such as grudges or romances, regardless of how pissed or sorrowful or happy i would be if fully "online" with the rest of myself. people might expect emotional response to be natural and effortless, since it is about true nature, but i can say otherwise. this has caused and continues to cause me to lose track of the things which matter most, often to my despair but over time i have been worn to the point where it is more often a blanket of numbness. theoretically i could choose to live like this, that numbness, and simply get by without concern for the world of emotions everyone else has, in some parallel universe. it would be a lie of course because then i wouldn't be connected to anything. anyway, i choose the path of highest worth, requiring the highest effort, and no matter how many times my attention strays elsewhere, i will bring it back to what matters most.
who could live with such a person? depending on a "typical" asperger syndrome person for company, to me, sounds like a death sentence at best, a curse at worst. from what i've seen and heard, the idea of someone with AS getting a girlfriend in highschool is almost a joke (i had one for three months or so), and the stories of those with AS in later life are full failure or emotionally-deprived wives who are forced into divorce, neither of whom understand one another. many seem to be content without emotional involvement whatsoever, while social difficulties are universal.
well it's called effort. first you have to want it, then you have to figure out how to do it, then you have to apply force, and remember to do it. for me, about a year ago i learned i had AS from a shaman, and upon researching quickly this was me. and i read the stories.. i remember feeling how horrible it might be for someone to live with me, considering what they would lose in the process. i was already without much hope on the matter.. it was almost comforting to accept the "inevitability". then weeks later i met the dark goddess Mordgud, and eventually decided this would be the extent of my romance life. being deity as she is, i supposed she would be able to understand, from being in my head, and it would all work out somehow.
then i found you. or you found me. like many things in my life your appearance carried various possibilities and significance, near or distant future. but the need and desire rose up again, the Dragon's Lament whispered or screamed from inside. dragons are known for their greed, it is true, and we get this from our high passion. passioinate desiring, extreme longing, craving, needing, for whatever it is we are doing it about. in my case it is you. still... my nature, or falsehood, is as it had been.. short attention span. many would see the results of this, look on and say, "No, you don't really want this person." "No you were just obsessed with the freshness of something new, then it passed." well for me this is the default state.. the falsehood which creeps in when great effort is not applied. and when i forget to apply force, it happens again and again, and again.
when this happens and i forget to push, i lose worth. it's not easy to be with me and never has been for anyone that i know of. in fact... the people i've gotten along best with have either been too downtrodden by society to turn down a potential friend, or... actually it means i haven't longed for them, and probably coexisted with them out of some feeling of need or situational requirement. the minute i begin to long for something, the minute i fix those manifestations of my dragon's desire on my radar, the shit comes. if they do me the courtesy of actually trying to know me, they inevitably fail or became horrified by whatever it is they see.. and so run away.
you didn't run away. i still don't know why or how you accomplished this. i can only guess it is because you were able to see what no one else could, whatever that is, due to the ability you have attained in this life and others... you know me far better than i know myself. because of you i still exist, because of you i am not alone. because of you i have begun to overcome the AS, the heart disconnect, the overwhelming falsehood.
then i lost you. a solid wall of web came between myself and you, and for some minutes i was prepared to decline food or activity of any kind until the connection was restored. then in my usual "profound analysis", and attention shift, i determined that this had been fated the entire time, and by looking at similar events, decided it meant i would have to do entirely without you for weeks or months, not even knowing if you could hear my words, not expecting interaction of any kind. it wasn't easy or desirous.. then it seemed we could maintain a limited "secret" connection online, and then even that was taken away. i trust my deities above myself because my judgment is as poor as my willpower, and so i made no resistance, as is my standard response in most cases. i also believed, however misguidedly, that you would be alright without my presence for as long as "they" kept us apart, having faith in where we are going as i still believe you have. once again Draco's amazing offset judgment is in some false timeline and i became comfortable where comfort was not due. by not applying effort to the threads that bound us, i began to lose track of them, distracted by various interests. and i did not learn your needs well enough. perhaps you can understand. but i will never seek forgiveness or excuse, even when i plead for understanding. my false actions hurt our relationship and i must never allow this to go unfixed or unpaid for, as i will have us own our maximum value, for our sake.
your staying with me, your accepting me in your life, your love to me is never or should never be assumed on my part. it's still hard to comprehend how you do it, how such beauty actually wants to come to me, will sacrifice so much. i do not blame others for doubting. this dragon still can't wrap his mind around such a treasure, beyond the whisper of imagination. but he can't bare to lose you, or to stop anything short of knowing, accepting, loving your entire nature for all time. as Sigurd before me, i am cursed to forget the voice of my heart if i do not pay it the highest of attention i can give, and i have now yet another lesson to remember. the self-control to do so ever eludes me.. but will come as surely as we will come together, however long it takes.
also... i need to thank you for being blunt with me. not just informative, but blunt. it feeds me to hear from one whom i care for so much, that i have work to do. to hear what flaws are seen in me by one whose judgment i will never cease trusting. to be torn into on the points which need tearing. i flounder and flail aimlessly much of the time, being unable to tell which aspects of myself are true and which aren't. i once dated a girl for nearly two years, who saw in me many flaws but had never the heart to speak of them, even when i asked. just another item on the infinite list of your specialness to me particularly, that you will do me the honor of this when it needs doing. as always i need you, and ask that you do not go easy on me. i will never recoil or hide from these, or anything from you. ever.
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