unhome

there is surely some part of me, more than has already left, for which this place will be the final rest. i wish i would just die now, i wish i knew of some ultimate mechanism for pain that would bring us to the same place. piece by piece i give myself away, losing myself but without due pain. or something. ............................................................................................. dddddon't know what to do. do you? i hope so. what remains of me, and what lost fragments you can retrieve, is yours for the taking, whenever you will have it of me. wait as long as you will, or as long as others will, and see where it gets us. until then, i wait and rot. <3

My Jester

my love, i want you to know... or i want to say, despite that you already know... i understand your need to deceive and conceal. i'm probably saying this for my own good, to vent it as a stem to the fear of unknowing, but i'll say it anyway. it hurts, and attacks my struggling belief... filling me anew with doubt in my times of hope. but i know you have good purpose, relative to us, in doing so. in the meantime i endure an eternity of doubt, in the meantime i must witness an even mix of hopefully, critically inspiring words and confusingly doubtful or unsynchronized info and misunderstood pieces to the grand puzzle of our love. just the same... i'll be here, i'll not give in, and one day i will understand you completely........

End of my Line - As Always

again i find myself thinking... this is as bad as it can get. this is as far down as i can be pushed, i just have to get thru this to see myself to the other side, where reside the persons of my affection. always i am proved wrong and the consideration of such a thing has become essentially a joke. my vision is as clouded as ever, the difference between deception and guidance as blurred as ever.

i know better, at least, than to let you go. i know better than to believe signs, after all we've been thru, that i should somehow put a space between us, than to believe you'll be better off without me for any stretch of time. or do i? either way i will not risk it, not after what we've been thru. i will not agree to give Us some sort of "breather" period, as has always proved perilous before. i know what haunts you and will not let it dissuade me, by your words or others.

however long it takes, i will find you. however far i must walk or sail or fly, i will come to you. however many breaths i may breathe in the journey, they are yours. however much of insanity seeps into my soul, i will endure. i will not consent to bury our past, not agree to the rest of my life if you're not in it. this of course means i'm doomed if you suddenly change your mind, and i accept.

i'm sorry that our relationship has been so devoid of joy lately. i think it's only been a few days but it seems like forever by now, i can only generally recall what it was like. how an insane person without reliable guidance is expected to overcome the obstacles before us, is beyond me. i try desperately to help when i am desperately in need, falling over myself constantly trying to help prop you up. i can't bring myself to not suspect that you might choose to walk away, yet i cannot bare the thought of its unreality, in all we've had and will have. this waiting, my lioness, will end. it may rip me to shreds to arrive at our common destination but so be it, i know that anything will be possible once we reach this point. the path ahead may be as foggy as Nifleheim but i will walk it nonetheless until your path intersects mine and entwines at all levels for all time.

oh the horror...

(uhhhh, strange white highlight of my previous entry was "accidental"... can't seem to correct it x_X)

the air is teeming with new possibilities... and you know why. i freaking figured out how to feel like i deserve shit, by accepting certain things as punishment. i feel like i earn the right to dominate, when i myself am dominated. i crave to be violated, to be ripped into, desired, used, enslaved... and do it in turn to that other who also craves it. damn it tastes so good.

oh gods i can't write about anything else. my mind is flooded with images of Luis Royo's inspiration, out of unutterably ancient days of blood and lust. that you would give this to me is on the verge of insane thinking.. or rather, quite well past it. LET'S GO INSANE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

empty or full?

feeling much better today... that familiar sense of you flowing around inside, in my hands and arms and face, and everywhere. it's raw self, raw chaos, flavored with your love. never gets old. so with all this running around, i feel like i should also feel.. full inside, right? i can tell you're in here, but i seem to still be missing my.. unique pattern. the part of us that comes from my root. it slips thru my fingers more all the time. i can still hear my higher self... in fact when i listen to it now, i suddenly find myself a bit more.. patterned. but the damn demon inside me is supposed to have a freaking pattern too, where the fuck is it. what makes this even harder is that i know the part of us that makes us unique, changes over time. the only parts i can identify well enough to hold onto are exterior to myself.. and uh, i dunno some stupid basic things like "i like dragons". i can say my interests pretty well, but those are exterior. what does interior even mean? am i supposed to be able to describe my personality and suddenly be able to manifest it? i need help that i think i'm going to have to wait to receive, as always. i can't define anything. i know you understand this because you once put it on your damn profile, how all statements of words seem capable of being broken down and disproven or made unmeaningful if you just take a moment to do it. i freaking need personal interaction, i need more than sensations in my damn energy body. yet if i go and try to do that around here i'm going to lose myself in the other people, or some shit. i need YOU.
i understand i don't exist except with others... this means that i only exist in the ways that i interact with others. so in all these ways that our relationship lacks a 2-way street, i seem to be lacking anything at all from my root. it's those things that we do share, where i keep existing and my demon holds onto its pattern. i don't know what i will lose by the time we meet, or if those other things are just "on hold" the way they were until those streets become unblocked. gods damnit i need you.

moving, waiting

things are doing much better now, thanks to you. as is always the case when thru the ash and smoke i manage to find you, if only fleetingly. it gives me strength to see you well, apparently in multiple ways. today i'm feeling more optimistic about the near-future prospects of improving my body than i can remember feeling before... i thank you for being patient with me and my hardship in maintaining the lower-self. i can't imagine it's easy seeing Draco phase in and out of vital existence, but i can say with confidence that the struggle is being won in the long-run.

in a similar situation to you... on some sort of "deep" level i am more than convinced to believe that you continue to believe in me and us, that you really are sacrificing what's needed for us to share ourselves with each other. and on a "rational" level, whatever is left of this in me, i look at the facts and.. it's utter insanity! tho i can scarcely comprehend its magnitude either way. but i will. i still feel the need to help your brain see the truth we feel.. maybe it's meant to confuse our brains, anyway, as that only makes it all the more special that it occurs at all. as i see it... the resistance from your friends and family, tho difficult to bear, literally adds value to the result. it's like walking into a highschool prom wearing pajamas and bunny slippers... the contrary will of all those looking on in disrespect, only provides more resistance, builds the required force to achieve the goal. (i fully expect you to walk off that plane in pajamas and bunny slippers now, i hope you know.)

mmmm i miss my more humorous self. we could use more of that, and i know you love it. perhaps i fear using it when not appropriate. i'll work on it. i miss a lot of things from our first time together. there was less fear. we'll get it back, this i can promise as surely as that i'll be myself for you, my full self, truly, one day. happy mad sad glad etc. etc. and longing. i miss the longing, don't know why it won't come out as much now. but i know you know the deeper me, the me where these things hide, waiting and longing to be with you. like those last few cookies in the cookie jar that just can't be reached without tipping the thing over. hunger...

Madness leaks thru the hole

http://www.northernpaganism.org/shrines/sigyn/narvi-and-vali/wergild.html

Vali is the mad wolf, the son of Loki and Sigyn, killer of his own brother against his will, forced to roam mad in the form of a wolf. i met with the shaman Raven Kaldera again this year, and was told that he smelled Vali on me, who almost never approaches others, who had something to say to me. i still haven't found out what he has to say, as i can't hear a damned thing. but in Vali i can see a lot of myself. the poem above speaks of a hole in his soul which the wolf-mother cannot fill, into which madness leaks, thru which falsehood pours. i believe she speaks of his brother Narvi.. on some level they must have needed one another to be complete, or this was effectually so. and so Vali roams the lands damned to be false, damned to live without himself, always mad. the comfort of a civilized home often breeds weakness, a life without pain brings great trouble for those who need it. in Fenrir it manifests as Wrath... i believe you know wrath, and i would know it too, were i not like Vali, weakened of will and heart. i need you and go mad without you.. and now i am to build my will, to strengthen my body, to be the best i may be for you, while i cannot even connect to you? i thought maybe, in sufferance of our loss of one another, i could live a half-life with my other love, to see myself improved for our sake. i thought this was why we were torn further apart, why i was to consent to separation, in my unlimited projection of possibilities, and reliance on guides. i thought it would be better for you, when the time came. and maybe it almost worked on my end, maybe in my time of focus i began a road of improving a half-self, to then become a full self better than you've seen, once rejoined to you, rather than a miserable pile in need. but this too it seems was false, a road of forgetfulness, a road i would not have chosen had i known its consequence. as always i am burdened to make decisions without knowing to what they lead, then criticized for making them, punched by myself in the face for having mistaken deception for guidance, over and over, while i sit here and must hope to gods it is for the good of us all. all the while i need you, your value, to do this right.. my helpers' guidance is only as trustworthy as i am to myself, and without strong will, without judgment, i cannot yet trust myself. i thought to subsist on my other half, but somehow it has brought me to more falsehood. so for need of you i return to insanity, rather than let you be alone. for you i go mad rather than consent to be half-false. i do not understand how this helps us. all i can do is wait and have faith, and pay for the mistakes as they come, fear lingering on every choice, stress crushing the will. in my amazing luck i have the potential Vali is bereft of, to be united with my missing piece, to become true with my love in this life. maybe with Vali you can understand a bit more of me. meanwhile i sit here needing to know you, unallowed to connect for all i and my so-called divination tools can tell, all attempts to understand based upon mere images, mixed memories, and a life of nonexistence. your soul is what i must know, what i choose to love. the conclusion to this impossible labyrinth ever eludes me but i will not leave it for any reason save that i find you within.