moving, waiting

things are doing much better now, thanks to you. as is always the case when thru the ash and smoke i manage to find you, if only fleetingly. it gives me strength to see you well, apparently in multiple ways. today i'm feeling more optimistic about the near-future prospects of improving my body than i can remember feeling before... i thank you for being patient with me and my hardship in maintaining the lower-self. i can't imagine it's easy seeing Draco phase in and out of vital existence, but i can say with confidence that the struggle is being won in the long-run.

in a similar situation to you... on some sort of "deep" level i am more than convinced to believe that you continue to believe in me and us, that you really are sacrificing what's needed for us to share ourselves with each other. and on a "rational" level, whatever is left of this in me, i look at the facts and.. it's utter insanity! tho i can scarcely comprehend its magnitude either way. but i will. i still feel the need to help your brain see the truth we feel.. maybe it's meant to confuse our brains, anyway, as that only makes it all the more special that it occurs at all. as i see it... the resistance from your friends and family, tho difficult to bear, literally adds value to the result. it's like walking into a highschool prom wearing pajamas and bunny slippers... the contrary will of all those looking on in disrespect, only provides more resistance, builds the required force to achieve the goal. (i fully expect you to walk off that plane in pajamas and bunny slippers now, i hope you know.)

mmmm i miss my more humorous self. we could use more of that, and i know you love it. perhaps i fear using it when not appropriate. i'll work on it. i miss a lot of things from our first time together. there was less fear. we'll get it back, this i can promise as surely as that i'll be myself for you, my full self, truly, one day. happy mad sad glad etc. etc. and longing. i miss the longing, don't know why it won't come out as much now. but i know you know the deeper me, the me where these things hide, waiting and longing to be with you. like those last few cookies in the cookie jar that just can't be reached without tipping the thing over. hunger...